The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.
George Bernard Shaw - 1856 - 1950
I recently hosted a leadership off-site in the Blue Mountains. As we were wrapping up on the final day, the group of professionals sat in a circle for their final debrief. They had spent two days discussing communication, collaboration, and courage. I asked them, “What’s one thing you didn’t say over this time that you wish you had?”
One by one, the hands went up.
“I meant to tell Sarah how much I appreciated her feedback, but I didn’t want to seem insincere.”
“I was going to suggest a different approach during our workshop, but I didn’t want to come across as negative.”
“I should have spoken up in the conflict resolution session… but I thought maybe it wasn’t my place.”
It’s not the things we don’t say that hurt us most, it’s thinking we said them when we didn’t.
The name of Jerry Maguire’s mission statement in the 1996 film Jerry Maguire was:
"The Things We Think and Do Not Say: The Future of Our Business."
It was a bold, late-night mission statement, a heartfelt manifesto about putting people over profits in the sports management industry. In the film, it’s what gets him fired… and also what sets his redemption arc in motion.
Many people mistake it for just being called a "memo," but Jerry passionately insists:
"It was a mission statement, not a memo."
We think we’ve spoken. We think we’ve been heard. But too often, what we’ve really done is imagine the conversation in our heads, not actually have it in the room.
I pointed to the attendees workbooks in front of them.
“Most of your honest communication this weekend is sitting in those pages, written but not spoken. Ideas you thought were ‘too much.’ Feelings you believed were ‘not the right time.’ Praise you meant to give but postponed.”
I asked, “What if the moment you thought about saying it… was the moment? And now, it’s passed.”
Where across the course of your day today, could you consider where it might be that you’ve assumed communication occurred, but in reality, a message is still waiting to be sent?
I found myself recently questioning how a friendship had soured, and I could not for the life of me trace where the first cracks had started to appear.
Out of confusion, I searched through text messages and emails and was none the wiser.
As much as I post content on social media platforms, I don’t spend much time on them. I have found that I fall down the rabbit hole and get lost in Wonderland and time.
So when a newish friend started communicating with me on Messenger, I realised I had several messages sitting in my message bank from my “old friend.”
Now, these messages were in viral clip form and were suggestions from influencers around positive lifestyle traits and habits. It seemed my old friend was communicating their thoughts to me through these people's voice boxes.
Now, watching the clips, they were bang on, and in retrospect, I regret not having seen them or, if I did, recognising that they were hidden, ingrained messages for me to follow, respond to, or level up in our friendship.
Benjamin Franklin said, "Failing to prepare is preparing to fail"
I’m pretty sure my failure to see the messenger messages wasn’t why the relationship soured, but it got me thinking.
Failing to communicate expectations is preparing for future resentments.
Where across the course of your day today, could you consider where it might be that you are having relationship problems in areas where you are not having honest and challenging conversations about your future expectations?
People talk about having or setting boundaries, whereas I think it is more realistic to manage expectations. When you set out upfront what your non-negotiables and non-navigationals are, you can draw on these for feedback, plans, communicating your frustrations, or even following the script.
To be clear up front.
To speak plainly.
To say what we mean before it calcifies into frustration.
When you declare your non-negotiables and name your values without apology, you don’t need to keep rewriting your rules every time you get hurt.
You just point back to the map.
Where across the course of your day today, could you consider where it might be that you communicate your expectations of a person or group up front with tact, so that you don’t blurt your hurt in a way that makes you look like the villain?
As much as the discussion at the conclusion of the leadership off-site revolved around the truths contained in each attendee's workbooks, I find another major benefit of journaling is knowing yourself, where you are at with a certain person, place, or thing.
My ability to articulate my feelings about a situation is heightened after a journaling session about them.
I know when I haven’t journaled, my ability to speak with diplomacy and care is lessened, and I’m reliant upon the musings of social media influencers to correct the errors of my ways.
While you’re thinking about that, think about this and have a Gr8 day!
Be well.
DL
“Know how to show your Teeth. Even hares can pull the mane of a dead lion. There is no joke about courage. Give way to the first and you must yield to the second, and so on till the last, and to gain your point at last costs as much trouble as would have gained much more at first. Moral courage exceeds physical; it should be like a sword kept ready for use in the scabbard of caution. It is the shield of great place; moral cowardice lowers one more than physical. Many have had eminent qualities, yet, for want of a stout heart, they passed inanimate lives and found a tomb in their own sloth. Wise Nature has thoughtfully combined in the bee the sweetness of its honey with the sharpness of its sting.”
Balthasar Gracián - 1601 - 1658.